Your giant umbrella is very stylish, but you need to stop being a brolly bully

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To be a Melburnian is to know that the weather is changeable at a moment’s notice, and that there is a certain truth in the Crowded House song, Four Seasons in One Day. And so while carrying an umbrella at all times makes sense, size matters.

Every time it rains, there are those among us who opt not for a standard-sized umbrella, but rather go large, using a veritable hemisphere with a designer logo on its fabric to cover themselves. This may be a fashion statement, why should those of us with small portable nifty little scallop shells of nylon give way to the footpath brolly bullies?

Umbrellas are out in force.Credit: Eddie Jim

There is a lack of umbrella etiquette on the mean streets. Surely, it is not too much to ask that when those who choose gargantuan rain cover – usually a redeployed golf umbrella, a walking billboard for a swish hotel, or an igloo in football team colours – to have a little pavement courtesy. We all share the same rain.

According to research from Monash University, an average of 20 people present to emergency departments across 38 Victorian hospitals with umbrella-related injuries each year. Of these, open wounds were the most common injury at 31 per cent, while eye injuries accounted for 18 per cent. These pokes in the eyes certainly aren’t the result of handbag or briefcase-sized jobs. It’s the megalith umbrellas with rib ends.

These pokes and jabs could likely be avoided if people simply moved over and had more spatial awareness when on the street. While many of Melbourne’s pavements are narrow, there is no defence for the assertive behaviour of “mine is bigger than yours, so give way”.

Men are the majority of offenders when it comes to XL umbrella options and pavement hogging. Is a big umbrella a male ego trip, a statement of masculinity or claiming the territory? It is no comfort, but nonetheless telling, that women are more often injured by umbrellas than men.

Figures from Victoria’s Injury Surveillance Unit show females present more frequently than males to emergency for these injuries.

The danger of metal tip umbrellas has also been recognised by airlines, with them now being banned as carry-on items on account of their potential to cause harm.

More than once, I have wished to morph into Mary Poppins and fly above the mushroom ruck festooning Melbourne’s streets when the first shower of rain hits. But like all bullies, giving way to the umbrella bullies only encourages repeated behaviour. Yet, standing your ground is also fraught with risk.

So, is it time that umbrellas come with a warning? There is ample guidance from Monash University on this, which keeps it simple and recommends, “Keep personal umbrellas pointed away from the body, be mindful of others.”

While this is straightforward when it comes to supermarket cheapies, but less so for large umbrellas with pointed tips. On public transport, where sudden movement can cause displacement, an umbrella which is not pointed to the floor can become a jousting lance in seconds.

According to Safe Work Australia there should be precautions with anything that will cause risk, noting the necessity to “identify hazards, if necessary, assess the risks associated with these hazards, implement and maintain risk control measures” While this may not be front of mind for someone hastily raising an umbrella on Collins Street, some advertising about umbrella etiquette on Melbourne’s public transport it would be prudent.

This is something I learnt to my embarrassment when, boarding a tram and collapsing my umbrella, I wondered why it was resisting being carried onto the tram. The curved handle had caught in the breast pocket of a man’s suit behind me and looking back, while I pulled on the umbrella, he was pulled forward. Meanwhile, the tip caught a man standing between the legs and jerked upwards. I will never forget the shock on his face. It was the moment that convinced me that portable umbrellas are the only sensible option.

While the thrusting umbrella bullies may very much be a male thing, maybe it is time for us rethink how we behave when fending off rain. Kenny Rodgers seems to be on the money when he said: “You gotta know when to hold ’em and know when to fold ’em.” Good advice, Kenny.

Christopher Bantick is a Melbourne writer.

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